


Ghost of a Good Thing

by xdark_blue



Series: i sensed you were different ♡ [1]
Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Everything Hurts, Falling In Love, Growing Up, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-05 01:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11003262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdark_blue/pseuds/xdark_blue
Summary: Myungsoo discovers his sexuality, falls in love, and experiences heartbreak during the transition from high school to college. He learns lessons about himself along the way, and tries to remember that someday, he'll meet someone that will make all the pain worth it.





	1. sight

 

Myungsoo doesn’t give much thought to his sexuality, he’s not one of those people that think it defines him as a person and quite frankly he’s just not that interested in it. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s never really _talked_ about it; his parents are the religious type who would rather him think he came from a stork than actual copulation.

 

Despite the fact that he’s well known at school, he’s not really close to anyone. He has acquaintances sure, but he’s not sure if any of them really could be considered a real friend _._ He hears whispers at the lunch table, dirty stories in the locker room from the other boys, but he doesn’t care much for it. It’s not that he’s antisocial; he just is comfortable being alone. He would rather spend his nights bundled under the covers and sipping hot chocolate with a good read then at a party having meaningless conversations with people that don’t truly care about him. Myungsoo knows that this makes him different than the people his age, and instead of trying to conform he simply accepts that his way of thinking is unique.

 

It’s not that he isn’t curious about love, romance mangas are actually his favorite, and sometimes he wonders when he will meet that person that will make his heart flutter. He has urges like every growing boy does, but Myungsoo doesn’t like the idea of indulging them with someone he doesn’t truly care about. It’s not like he doesn’t have options since lots of people are interested in him at school; boys and girls alike blush and giggle in his presence, offering him snacks and small gifts in hopes of gaining his attention and favor.

 

When people ask him what his ideal type is he doesn’t know how to answer because he honestly doesn’t know; he can’t comprehend how people can just have a fixed archetype of the person they want. Myungsoo doesn’t see a girl or a boy when he tries to picture a lover in his mind, he doesn’t even know if he really has a preference when it comes to gender, but the prying questions from his suitors bother him because it’s all so superficial and based on appearance. It’s why he turns down the people that approach him, he knows that they are only interested in his pretty face, not the actual person that he is.

 

It’s a beautiful autumn day, the leaves just starting to change in the trees as a soft breeze blows through the patio. It’s his senior year, and thanks to his hard work in previous years, his last one is graced with a light schedule. He uses the free periods to study for the entrance exam, but with adequate time to prepare it’s not something that worries him much. He feels a sense of peace with his life, knowing the direction that he is headed is a good one and he’s comfortable with the way things are in his little bubble.

 

So when he bursts in, effectively shaking his world to the core with a simple smile he doesn’t know how to react. The first time he sees him, Myungsoo’s nearly struck dumb. The boy is breathtakingly beautiful as he makes his way through the courtyard, almost unnaturally so. He has long wavy platinum blonde hair that falls just to his shoulders, sharp catlike eyes outlined in black and an even sharper jawline to match. He has an air about him, a certain level of confidence that Myungsoo could never possess. Even from a distance, he just looks impressive; he walks around the campus like he owns the place, daring someone to disagree with him.

 

He’s definitely younger than him; he has to be because Myungsoo would have noticed him before if he was in his class, but it’s clear how desperately he wants people to forget that in the way he carries himself. His body is frail, the silhouette somewhat feminine and inviting. There is an innate grace in his movements as the wind softly blows through his lightened hair, giving him an angelic appearance that Myungsoo cannot ignore.

 

It’s a new feeling; a type of burning in his chest when the beautiful boy opens the door to disappear inside one of the school buildings. Suddenly he feels empty, but he didn’t even realize that he was until he saw him. He’s never felt a connection to someone purely on sight, he desperately wishes that he could chase after the boy, ask him his name, maybe get to know him. But Myungsoo is still himself, and he doesn’t know how to do any of those things; he’s used to people approaching _him_ and he’s utterly at a loss with the situation.

 

He resigns himself to watching the beauty from afar; he learns his name through the grapevine and that’s enough for him. He finds himself re-reading novels with frail blonde leads and wondering if their personalities are anything like the pretty boy. He thinks about him all the time, pictures his perfect face, and stares at him from a safe distance whenever they are at school. He even starts taking his lunches outside, because the boy likes to sit in the grass and enjoy the sunshine while he eats.

 

Before long he’s learned the boy’s schedule, his favorite spots to relax in throughout the school day, and the people he likes to hang out with. He’s not stalking him, no, not at all; he actually has zero intentions of actually approaching the angel. But he lets himself look at the beauty from a distance, he allows that little indulgence as he watches him smile and laugh with his friends, wishing that he had the courage to make the boy feel that way himself. 

 

So when he comes to school a month later and he doesn’t see the boy, he’s a little distraught. He can’t ask the boy’s friends where he is, because that would be creepy, but internally he feels saddened at the angel’s absence. But at the end of the day when he’s gathering his books at his locker with a strange feeling of disappointment, the angel approaches Myungsoo, completely catching him off guard and rendering him speechless.

 

The blonde demands that Myungsoo either man up and ask him out or stop gawking at him altogether. His presence up close and the fierce attitude shock Myungsoo, who ends up complying to the other’s wishes with a simple nod of his head. And just like that, Myungsoo gains his first significant other, a beautiful boyfriend that joins him at lunch and keeps him company during his free periods. He actually has a use for his cell phone now, and they text each other when they are apart, even when it’s only for minutes. And each time his phone buzzes his heart jumps in his chest; the feeling of wanting someone so startlingly new and completely enthralling.

 

And deep down inside Myungsoo doesn’t understand _why_ the boy has chosen him, he knows that he has other options because he’s seen the way other people look at the blonde, but for some reason the person he wants is Myungsoo. He ruffles Myungsoo’s dark hair and reaches for his hand when they sit together, and it’s enough to make the elder completely helpless and giddy with happiness.

 

He gets his first kiss in the bleachers of their high school stadium. The blonde’s older brother was on the football team and they often went to watch games together to support him. Myungsoo doesn’t even care about sports really, but even he finds himself wrapped up in the title game. And when the time runs out and their school is named the champions, the crowd goes absolutely wild. He wraps the shorter male in a hug, jumping up and down with him in celebration. Just when he’s about to let him go the pretty boy reaches for his face, pulling him down into a kiss. He really shouldn’t even be surprised that the younger initiated it; he’s always taken charge and right now Myungsoo couldn’t be happier that he did.

 

Myungsoo’s known about kisses for years, a meeting of lips that have decorated numerous panels of the mangas that he reads so much. But he finds that nothing compares to the real thing; nothing could prepare him for just how exhilarating it feels to finally kiss the person that you care about the most. It doesn’t last long, only a couple of seconds before the blonde pulls back, and Myungsoo thinks that he’s never seen such a captivating smile.

 

The kiss awakens something inside of him, and he desires more of them. Now he doesn’t leave the other’s side until he’s touched those lips, and he greets him the same way each time he sees him. And when they are alone, the kisses grow more passionate; the two of them starting to explore not only each other but also themselves. It doesn’t go much further than kissing, and sometimes a wandering hand on the small of the boy's back if he’s feeling dangerous, but it’s still completely satisfying to just be able to touch him at all.

 

Myungsoo's eyes are constantly hungry for the other’s beauty. He wonders how the boy’s skin could look so pale, how his hair always returns to its perfect state no matter how many times he runs his hands through it while they kiss. He stares at his lips, muses how they are the prettiest shade of pink when they are wet and swollen from his kisses.

 

They attract a lot of looks when they walk around campus, and Myungsoo knows that together they appear almost too perfect. People start to talk about them in school; while some call them the perfect couple and constantly praise their relationship, others shamelessly gossip. In the beginning it feels nice for others to appreciate them together, but after awhile it starts to feel like they aren’t the ones in control of it anymore. If they have a misunderstanding everyone knows, or if the blonde talks to another guy there are whispers of betrayal. Behind closed doors the dynamic grows unbalanced; Myungsoo doesn’t care about what anyone says, but he knows the other does.

 

Myungsoo just looks and looks at everything, because it all is beautiful to him, the whole experience is important to him, but the boy doesn’t understand that. He starts to feel like an object, something put on a pedestal to be admired. In the beginning he loves the attention from Myungsoo and the people at school, it makes him feel desirable and powerful.

 

But after awhile it becomes unnerving; he worries that Myungsoo will notice and judge him for common imperfections like bad hair days and wrinkled clothes. He grows nervous that if he asks to spend time alone with his friends that people will judge him for it. Myungsoo never would, and that’s really all that should matter but the other boy doesn’t bother to ask. He worries that the perfect image that others have built of him and their relationship will be compromised. He even starts to blame Myungsoo for the rumors, despite the fact that the only person that Myungsoo pays attention to is him.

 

Before long it doesn’t feel like a relationship at all, it feels like work and they both begin to tire of it. Graduation is just around the corner, and in his heart Myungsoo knows that they wouldn’t be able to survive the separation, not when he’s so desperate for him when they are still meeting daily. But that doesn’t stop him from trying to reassure the other, he wants him to give it a chance to work out, he would give it his everything if he thought the angel would stay with him when he leaves for college. But he can already see in the other’s eyes that he’s beginning to pull away. He’s spending more time with the people his age, diligently widening the gap between them.

 

When Myungsoo tries to confront him about the situation he grows angry; accusing Myungsoo of trying to make him something he isn’t, telling him that he can’t _relax_ when he’s with him because of the constant pressure for the relationship to grow more serious. In the end, Myungsoo bids him goodbye with a heavy heart, hoping that one day the blonde will meet someone who makes him feel like it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. He wants him to meet someone who will appreciate him for who he really is, not the person he thinks he needs to be.  


	2. smell

The summer is long and uneventful for Myungsoo; after graduation he practically holes himself up in his room for good. With no school to attend there’s not much reason for him to leave the comfort of his bed, and under the safety of his covers he can pretend like the outside world doesn’t exist. And it’s true that with time it becomes easier to forget the catlike eyes, but that doesn’t mean that Myungsoo forgets the feeling of having someone. While this is the way he had spent his previous summers, back then he didn’t realize just how lonely his solitary existance was. Now he notices that nobody texts his phone, and he can feel the absence of not having someone to talk to each day. Before the relationship he was fine being alone because it was all he had ever known, but now he actually feels the sharp sting of loneliness when no one to wishes him goodnight.

 

But Myungsoo is still the same person inside; he’s too quiet and maybe a little brooding, so instead of doing something about it he just continues in the stagnant misery. Before he knows it the season is coming to an end, and with it a chapter of his life is starting to close.

 

It’s a typical day like any other; Myungsoo is propped up in bed with the latest issue of Junjou Romantica when he hears a somewhat familiar noise near his head. His eyes search the room confused, until he hears it again. He realizes a little belatedly that it’s his phone, he hasn’t heard that particular ringtone for months and he’s confused because it had only ever been assigned to one person. He reaches for it with slightly trembling hands, opening the text message with a nervous sense of curiosity.

 

_It’s been a long time; I hope your summer has been good. I know you’ve probably heard about the going away party tonight, and I wanted to let you know that I won’t be attending. I figured you’d want the chance to say goodbye to your classmates, and I don’t want to make it awkward for you by being there. Have a great time tonight, you don’t have to text back, and good luck with your studies in the fall~_

 

Myungsoo re-reads the message approximately five times before the words actually make sense. The contact from his ex startles him, but not in the way he would expect. He’s sad that the other is clearly avoiding him, but at the same time he understands why he would want to.

 

He bookmarks his page, and pulls his laptop off the nightstand. And sure enough, when he checks his Facebook page there is an event invite in his notification tab. The party is for all the people leaving town for college, giving everyone one last chance to say goodbye. Practically the entire graduating class has confirmed that they are attending the farewell bash; their school was small so he recognizes most of the names on the list.

 

He doesn’t like parties, not at all, but he grasps the fact that he probably won’t ever get to see over half of these people again. Everyone will move on to study at their respective colleges, and with time their high school days will be nothing but a distant memory. And even though he’s not really close to any of them, he still thinks that it would be nice to formally say goodbye. He clicks the button to confirm his attendance and closes his laptop with a newfound sense of excitement.

 

A couple of hours later, after a shower and an extremely embarrassing conversation with his mom who practically wept with joy at the news of him attending a party and having a social life, Myungsoo arrives at the house where the party is being held. He knows the guy that answers the door, he was practically _the_ star athlete and it’s really no surprise that he’s playing host. He got scouted to play football for a university that’s far away, so it’s reasonable that he would want to have a last hoorah with his teammates and friends.

 

Myungsoo showed up at the time started on the event invite, but apparently there’s a thing known as being fashionably late. He feels awkward with just the two of them there and blushingly offers to come back later, but the other assures him that it’s fine. He offers to get him a drink, and Myungsoo accepts simply just to be able to occupy himself with something. He asks him if he has any type of preference, but Myungsoo assures him that anything he chooses will be fine. The boy comes back with a margarita; he tells him that it’s the perfect blend of sweet and sour.

 

He tries to make polite conversation, but the situation makes Myungsoo so nervous that he doesn’t really know what to say. The other boy is charming; a wide spread grin that shows off pointed teeth. He has short dark hair, meticulously tousled to look just right. He has that confidence about him, he knows that he's attractive and he's aware of the effect he has on people. He looks at Myungsoo with appreciative eyes, and he can’t help but melt under the attention; it’s been so long since he’s had someone look at him that way.

 

But eventually the other guests start to arrive, and the boy’s attention goes elsewhere. Myungsoo stays glued to the couch, nervously shuffling his feet while he sips on the sugary substance. Despite the sweet taste it still strongly smells of tequila, but he doesn't complain since the boy was the one who so kindly gave it to him. A lot of people are surprised to see him there, but they still stop by and warmly say hello. Everyone asks the stereotypical questions, which college are you attending and have you picked your major? But it all comes from a good place, and Myungsoo doesn’t even have to try to answer with enthusiasm. He gives out more hugs in one night then he’s done in his entire existence, but he figures it probably due to the lingering nostalgia weighing heavily on the partygoers’ minds.

 

The boy shows up every now and then, flashing him teasing half smiles and asking him if he’s having a good time. He is surprisingly enough, but that’s most likely due to the buzzing in his veins from the tequila. He feels happy, wonderfully alive after so many days spent alone in his room. Suddenly people, who are all nice to him, surround him and they talk and laugh together and the whole experience is just _good._

 

Everyone gathers together in the living room, sharing stories from the good old days (even though they really aren’t that distant) and Myungsoo learns more about his classmates in a couple hours than he had over years in school together. He almost feels a twinge of regret, a piece of him wishing that he had gone out more or made an effort to get to know more people so that he could actually be a part of the memories instead of being the outsider listening in. But tonight isn’t the night for regrets he decides; it’s an evening to be happy and excited about the future. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking but Myungsoo feels like not holding back; he laughs wholeheartedly at every joke and he returns every smile he sees.

 

And sometimes when he goes to refill his glass people will make him take shots with them. The tequila burns when it goes down his throat but the lime at the end makes it all okay. And people cheer when he wipes the remaining salt off of his lips, and Myungsoo really feels like he’s a part of the group.

 

As the night wears on people start to split into smaller crowds, sharing more personal stories and intimate goodbyes. Myungsoo is sitting on the stairs alone, but he’s got a pleasant buzz thrumming through his system and he feels entirely content. He feels someone sit down next to him and when he turns it’s the host.

 

He asks what number drink Myungsoo is on, and when Myungsoo can’t answer after a solid ten seconds of thinking, they both crack up laughing together. He tells him that it’s okay, that he’s in the same boat and he’s probably the worst host ever for getting so drunk. But Myungsoo adamantly disagrees, telling him that the party is perfect. The guy bites his lip as they click their glasses together before finishing off the rest of their drinks. And when the boy pulls his glass away from his mouth, his lips are wet with the sweet liquid; Myungsoo’s already leaning in before he realizes what he’s doing, but the boy meets him halfway and they share a kiss. 

 

Myungsoo isn't the least bit surprised when the two of them stumble into his bedroom, the only source of light coming from the street post shining through the window. He thinks that it’s easier to do this in the shadows, that way the boy won’t see the blush that’s creeping across his cheeks. His eyes absentmindedly wander over the various trophies and accolades in the room, but he is pulled into another liplock before he can even ask about them.

 

These kisses are different, _harder_ , and he barely has a moment to catch his breath before it starts all over again. He blindly follows the boy’s lead, falling back when his legs run into the bed. The other climbs on top of him in an instant, his hands roaming over his clothes as their mouths move in sync. Myungsoo doesn’t even know why he’s not nervous, he just lets instinct take over and he kisses back just as harshly.

 

From this close he can smell the scent of the boy’s aftershave, it makes him seem like a man, makes him feel like he's kissing someone older and grown up, and for some reason that turns Myungsoo on even more. The boy is practically the opposite of his ex; his body is hard and defined, full of muscles for Myungsoo’s hands to explore. His fingers tangle in the shorter hair, running through the dark strands to make it even messier. Maybe it’s part of the reason why he wants him so much in this moment, but he doesn’t really have the mental capacity to ponder such a subject when the boy’s tongue is licking its way down his neck.

 

He lets out a little whine when the large hand cups him through his jeans, the touch feels electrifying and he wants more of it. He seems to be in luck because the boy continues to touch him, stroking his member to life and Myungsoo can hardly think anymore. His hips follow the boy’s rhythm; their hot breath mixing as they trade open mouthed kisses. The scent of the alcohol is heavy in the air, making him feel more intoxicated than he really is.

 

He’s making quick work of his jeans, tugging down the zipper, and pulling out his strained length. Myungsoo doesn’t think he’s ever been so hard in his life, and when he finally feels the boy’s hand wrap around his member he nearly jumps off the bed. The boy lets out a deep chuckle at his reaction, and Myungsoo’s so thankful for the dark surrounding them once again.

 

The boy doesn’t take off his shirt, he simple pushes it up to expose his body. He kisses all the way down, and before he knows it he feels the heavy breathing over his member. The boy is crouched down between his knees, his mouth dangerously close to where Myungsoo can’t even hope it to be. Myungsoo shifts up to his elbows, watching the boy with alert, disbelieving eyes; and despite the dim lighting, he can still see the sharp white teeth practically glowing in the dark when the boy smirks up at him.

 

He opens up his mouth, sliding down over Myungsoo’s hard length with a quick, calculated movement. Myungsoo cries out at the sensation because the boy’s mouth is _so_ much better than the touch of his hand; nothing could have prepared him for just how amazing this feels. He doesn’t care about how loud he’s being or how needy he sounds. He just knows that he wants this more than anything in the world right now.

 

He lets his eyes slip closed, focusing entirely on the tingling sensations crawling up his spine with each hard suck. His hips buck subconsciously and the large hands pin his hips down to the bed; he finds the display of strength incredibly arousing. His mouth is so hot, his tongue wet as he moves over Myungsoo’s length. His gaze is fixed on Myungsoo, watching him squirm and shake under his touch. 

 

It’s like a light switch turning on; one moment it’s dark and then next his eyes are wide open, the orgasm lighting up his senses in a way he’s never felt before. The boy holds on to him, swallowing his release as he runs his hands over the smooth exposed skin. Myungsoo is annoyed that it ends just as quickly as it started, he wanted to feel the warmth of his mouth longer, but the boy is already tucking him back into his pants. Myungsoo sits up in a daze, trying unsuccessfully to calm his racing heart in the aftermath of his climax. 

 

He doesn’t get to rest for long, because the boy is already pushing him down his body. His fingers unbutton his own jeans and Myungsoo realizes belatedly that he’s supposed to return the favor. He suddenly feels a little more sober and a whole lot more nervous; it’s one thing to lay back and enjoy but it’s completely another to perform. Insecurity crawls into his consciousness and he’s at a loss with no idea of what to do. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, he’s just not sure _how_. But he can’t say that to the boy, even with loosened inhibitions he still has his pride, so he gets on his knees and hopes for the best.

 

He reaches for the boy’s length first, getting used to the weight of it in his hand. The skin of his length feels velvety smooth on his hand, and he pumps it a couple of times experimentally. The boy’s fingers tangle in his hair and he gets the hint, opening up his mouth as wide as he can to take in his member.

 

The first couple of times he doesn’t do too good a job of it, he’s not quite sure what to do with his tongue but the boy moans in pleasure anyway. He concentrates as hard as he can in his tipsy state, trying to remember exactly what the boy did to him that felt so good. He ends up just sucking, letting the boy move his head for him as he tries to take him as deep as he can without giving in to the urge to choke. Myungsoo's alot messier than the boy was, and he can feel the saliva dribble down his chin each time he takes him in.

 

Despite the self-consciousness, Myungsoo still finds it in himself to be really excited. He’s actually doing _this_ , the boy is actually moaning in desire and it’s all because of him. Myungsoo grows bolder, trying to give just as much pleasure as he received. He sucks harder, trying to go all the way down his length to completely take him in. He doesn't succeed, but it's the thought that counts he thinks, and the boy seems to appreciate his efforts. And before long the fingers tighten in his hair, holding his head in place as the boy comes. Myungsoo swallows it, he really doesn’t have any other choice, and pulls away to wipe off his glistening lips.

 

The boy ruffles his hair, smiling at him while he pulls himself back together. When he tries to get close for a kiss the boy takes a step back, and Myungsoo thinks that maybe it’s not customary to kiss someone after doing _that,_ so he tries not to take it too personally. The boy suggests that they should get back to the party; people might be looking for him, he is the host after all, and Myungsoo nods in understanding.

 

And even though the experience felt like it lasted hours in Myungsoo’s mind, in reality they’ve only been gone from the party for a short while. When they return downstairs the boy is grabbed by one of his teammates, and Myungsoo heads to the kitchen to get another drink.

 

When he returns to the living room he feels nauseous, and it has nothing to do with the alcohol. The boy is talking to a girl, whispering in her ear and she laughs loudly at something he says. Then he leans down, that same teasing smirk on his face that Myungsoo thought was reserved for him, and kisses her.

 

He retreats to the kitchen, desperate to put some space between the two of them and feeling entirely used. He slips outside and calls his mom, begging her to just please come pick him up _right now_. He doesn’t bother to say goodbye to the boy because he probably doesn’t even care, and Myungsoo starts to realize just how naïve and unexperienced he really is. When his mom shows up she says nothing about his flustered state, he knows that he reeks of alcohol from the sweat pouring out of his skin, but she simply drives him home in silence. In that moment he’s never been more thankful to her, because he knows that she probably has a million questions that she wants to ask, and the fact that she _doesn’t_ makes the shame just a little more bearable.

 

The moment Myungsoo's in his room he pulls off his clothes, heading to the bathroom to wash away any and all traces of the party. He tells himself that he water on his face is from the shower; it’s definitely not because of tears. When he steps out he sees himself in the mirror for the first time, and the faint bruises on his hips make him feel sick. He rushes to the toilet, throwing up the contents of his stomach until he’s left with nothing but dry heaves.

 

When he wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and clouded mind, Myungsoo tries to convince himself that it is only because of the alcohol. He tells himself that it has nothing to do with the boy with the teasing smirk and talented mouth; if anything he’s happy that he’s gained a bit of experience. He made it further with the boy in one night then he did with his ex after months of dating, and now he can go off to college with some experience under his belt. It doesn’t hurt, not at all, because they were mutually using each other, and Myungsoo knew that the touches didn’t mean anything serious. Attending the party was a good thing; he has no regrets.

He's sure that if he repeats it to himself enough, that with time the statements will become real.

 

A couple months later he’s sitting in his college dorm room. His roommate has a few friends over, and they are having a couple of drinks before heading to some club. Myungsoo declines the invitation to go, he’s not really the type that enjoys parties. His roommate still wants him to hang out, at least while they are still in the room, and Myungsoo reluctantly agrees. Someone hands him a drink, and when he asks what it is his hands tighten around the cup at the response. He swiftly hands the margarita back to the person who gave it, deciding to retreat to the safety of his bed since he suddenly doesn't feel too good.

For reasons he can’t seem to understand, the scent of tequila makes him absolutely _sick_.


	3. hearing

 

College isn’t all that different from his high school; the main disparity is now he has to pay for his classes and he has to live away from his parents. He chose a smaller university that was closer to his home; he wasn’t that big a fan of city life so it suited him just fine. In retrospect he was thankful that his previous school placed such emphasis on academics, he acclimates easily to the new curriculum and he has the grades to prove it.

 

Myungsoo’s roommate thinks he hates him because he never accepts his invitations to study with him at the local Starbucks. In reality Myungsoo actually isn’t too fond of him, but that has more to do with his affinity for drinking and his unhealthy habit of partying too late into the night when Myungsoo has class in the morning.

 

The truth is as a broke college student, Myungsoo has never really understood the appeal of coffee shops. He declines because the expense isn’t justified in his mind, and he doesn’t get how so many of his classmates can freely spend 4000 won on a cup of coffee but eat ramen three times a day.

 

Myungsoo is meticulously about many things, but checking the weather is not one of them. So when he’s walking to the bus stop after too long of a day of lectures and the sky opens up above him, he’s completely out of luck. He definitely doesn’t have an umbrella on him, and the rain is falling down so hard that his jacket is rendered useless in mere minutes.

 

He darts into the closest shelter he can find, and it turns out to be a coffee shop; it’s one of those hole in the wall places where the menu is written in chalk and there are more couches than actual chairs. Myungsoo figures that this is as good of a place as any to escape the rain, but he doesn’t want to be rude and not order anything. He begrudgingly hands over too much won for a cup of hot chocolate (coffee is too bitter for his taste buds), and settles on a loveseat near the back where he’s sure he won’t be bothered to wait out the storm.

 

He pulls out his laptop; he has an essay he could work on while he waits. He looks up when he hears a voice through a microphone, and there’s a guy with a guitar sitting on a stool where some tables have been cleared away. He says that he was going to play on the patio, but the weather inside was just too good to pass up. Myungsoo laughs out loud at the silly joke, and the guy gives him a warm smile and a nod of appreciation. He says that he’ll only sing slow songs, so he won’t disturb anyone studying. Myungsoo looks around the shop but he’s the only one who appears to be alone; the other patrons have people that they are laughing and conversing with. He looks back at the musician who gives him a wink, and he starts to play.

 

The guy was attractive before; he has a softness to him, shockingly red hair that contrasts with his pretty pale skin. But when he sings, he becomes _beautiful_. You can feel his passion in every single note, his eyes close and he becomes a part of the song, a tangible representation of the music. His voice is mesmerizing accompanied by the sweet sounds of his guitar, and Myungsoo is completely caught off guard by being in the presence of such sheer talent. The singer has his full attention for the rest of his set, occasionally glancing in Myungsoo’s direction who flushes under the interested gaze.  

 

Before too long the musician is saying goodnight to pack up his guitar, and Myungsoo looks down at his laptop in a daze; it’s been well over an hour, the rain has calmed down outside, and all he has to show for his essay is an empty word document. He figures that he should probably go as well, he’s taking up space and there really isn’t a reason for him to stay. He stuffs his laptop back into his still damp messenger bag, and when he glances over his shoulder at the singer as he walks out the door he thinks that maybe the redhead was looking at him too. He also thinks it couldn’t hurt to take one of the flyers on the bulletin board that gives information about open mic nights.

 

It turns out that Myungsoo isn’t that good of an actor; over the past month he thought he was inconspicuously visiting the coffee shop and pretending to do his homework on the evenings that just so happened to coincide with the redhead’s guitar playing. He figured that he blended into the hundred or so college students that filtered in and out the coffee shop throughout the week. On this particular day, he finds out that he is wrong; he walks up to the register and is presented with the hot chocolate without even ordering. When he pays the barista, she tells him that he’s just in time and that the redhead is about to start his set; Myungsoo realizes that he’s got it bad.

 

He shuffles to his favorite couch in the back corner, admittedly a little flustered, and tries not to blush when the redhead smiles at him from his usual spot on the barstool. He sings upbeat tunes this time, songs that made Myungsoo feel a little less lonely and a lot more infatuated with the singer. He has no idea how the concept of time evades him when he’s in the coffee shop; he gets caught up in the beautiful man’s music and then it’s over before he even realizes it. He’s about to pack up his things and disappear out the door again when he feels the couch sink in next to him.

 

He looks to his left and sure enough, the guy is sitting next to him, wearing that eye smile and offering his hand to introduce himself. Myungsoo mentally notes that the guy’s speaking voice is just as enthralling as his singing one, and he wishes that the couch would swallow him whole when his voice cracks when he gives his own name in return.

 

The guy thanks him again for attending, tells him jokingly that Myungsoo is probably his biggest fan. Myungsoo doesn’t trust his voice to respond, so he sips at the now cold drink in front of him to try to further avoid embarrassing himself. With some prodding, the redhead succeeds in getting him to participate in a conversation, and Myungsoo finds that the guy is actually very nice. He tells Myungsoo that he’s noticed him for a while now, but he didn’t want to approach him and disturb his studying. It’s then that Myungsoo realizes that he had been so caught up in the redhead’s performance tonight that he hadn’t even taken out his laptop to “study”.

 

He blushes because really, could he be any more obvious, but the guy doesn’t seem to mind. The guy touches his cheek and tells Myungsoo that it looks like he’s lost a little weight. Myungsoo thinks to himself that it’s because he’s been spending all his money on hot chocolates instead of real food; when he sees the shocked expression on the other’s face he realizes that he accidentally spoke the words out loud.

 

This is how Myungsoo finds himself eating take out chicken at the redhead’s apartment. It’s a nice little place, it’s warm and cozy and Myungsoo instantly feels at home. When Myungsoo tries to tell him he’ll pay him back for the meal the other won’t hear any of it. The elder tells him it’s his job to treat him to meals and certain things as his hyung, and when Myungsoo tells him that he’s never had a hyung before it only makes him more determined to take care of him.

 

Now when he goes to the coffee shop there is a hot chocolate ready and waiting on his table, and when the redhead stops playing, they leave together. He starts hanging out at the other’s apartment instead of his dorm room, simultaneously escaping his wild roommate while growing closer to the elder.

 

He learns that the redhead used to be in university, but he dropped out to follow his dream of making music. He seems embarrassed to admit this but Myungsoo is adamant that he shouldn’t be. If anything, his admission just makes Myungsoo respect him that much more. The fact that he was strong enough to take a risk to do something he loved is extremely admirable to Myungsoo. So he tells him that he’s never heard anyone sing so beautifully, and that he knows his hyung is talented enough to make his dream a reality. It’s the first time that he is the one to make his hyung blush, and Myungsoo thinks that he looks breathtaking with the rosy cheeks.

 

They spend their evenings together, Myungsoo working on his homework and his hyung working on his songs. It’s peaceful, they don’t really need to fill the silence with words and yet it feels completely comfortable. His hyung is extremely attentive, he knows Myungsoo’s schedule like it’s his own, and he never fails to send him a good luck text whenever Myungsoo has a big exam or a project due. Myungsoo always looks forward to seeing him, he attends all his gigs and he even posts some flyers up at university to support him.

 

His hyung mostly shows his affection through actions; whether it is walking him home from class or helping him with his homework (he’s actually very intelligent, and Myungsoo wasn’t the least bit surprised to find out he was on the dean’s list before dropping out). Sometimes his hyung will throw an arm across his shoulder or brush a hand across his cheek, but those moments are few and far between. Myungsoo knows that he has a very large and very unrequited crush on the redhead, but he doesn’t dare say anything about it; he’s too nervous to risk rocking the boat.

 

He finds out that he’s wrong after his first failed test. It’s not Myungsoo’s fault, it happens to even to the smartest students; he just so happened to focus on the wrong things during his studying and he wasn’t adequately prepared on the material that showed up on the test. Regardless, Myungsoo feels like a complete failure because he’s never gotten such a bad grade before.

 

He shows up at the coffee shop with his mood noticeably dampened. He can sense the nervous glances that his hyung sends him while he’s playing, but a quick shake of Myungsoo’s head lets him know that they won’t be able to properly discuss it until later. He actually doesn’t want to be in public at all, but even in his depressed state he wants to support his hyung.

 

Myungsoo doesn’t tell his hyung what happened until they are back at his apartment, and even then it’s like pulling teeth to get him to admit what’s upsetting him. But once he does he finds himself in his hyung’s embrace, his arms wrapped around him tightly to press Myungsoo’s head to rest on his chest. He asks Myungsoo what he can do to make him feel better, and when the younger looks up at him he doesn’t have to say anything.

 

He leans down to capture Myungsoo’s lips, the kiss soft and somewhat hesitant. But Myungsoo is anything but, pushing back against his hyung with all the frustration of his day and the build up that led to this moment between them. The kiss becomes more heated then, the two of them finally giving into feelings that had been building beneath the surface. Suddenly the bad grade doesn’t seem so important, and the only thing on Myungsoo’s mind is the beautiful redhead.

 

Things change and yet they stay the same; Myungsoo still frequents the coffee shop and his hyung’s apartment, only now there are sweet kisses and even sweeter looks shared between them. Myungsoo had expected things to escalate quickly in the physical aspect of their relationship since his hyung was so much older, but he ends up being wrong; the redhead is actually pretty conservative about such things, and things stay pretty chaste between them.

 

It’s actually really nice, there are no expectations and they just enjoy each other’s company. Considering that the first semester at university comes with many stressful situations that Myungsoo isn’t used to, it’s really great to be able to have something positive that he doesn’t have to worry about, someone who is always there to support him.

 

Months go by and the weather starts to turn cold, and before he knows it the first round of finals are upon him. He’s more anxious than ever, pouring over a semester’s worth of notes for all of his classes, trying to soak up as much knowledge as possible in the limited time frame he has left. He’s constantly on edge and his nose is always buried in a book; his hyung only disturbs him to make him eat properly. He doesn’t even make it to the coffee shop that week but his hyung assures him that it’s fine. He’s sleep deprived and too nervous to even smile, but he manages to make it through. His hyung is waiting for him outside the lecture hall when he finishes his last final, and he promptly takes Myungsoo on a date to congratulate him on successfully finishing his first semester of university.

 

Even though his hyung is all smiles during their outing, Myungsoo feels like it is a little forced. When they get back to his place he pulls him to the couch to confront him about it, and for the first time he sees a fearful look in his hyung’s eyes. The redhead pulls out his wallet and removes a card, handing it to him without a word.

 

It’s a business card from a talent scout for a record label based in Seoul. Myungsoo nearly falls off the couch when he tells him that he received it earlier in the week, that they wanted him to come audition as soon as possible. And when Myungsoo questions him as to why he’s been putting it off, a guilty look in his direction is all he needs to figure it out. Of course he didn’t want to bring it up during finals week, not wanting to distract the younger or become a burden during his most stressful time.

 

It hurts Myungsoo’s heart because singing is his hyung’s _dream,_ and he put it on the backburner just for him. He makes him call the scout right then to set up a meeting, determined not to let his hyung miss out on such a big opportunity. After he hangs up the redhead softly reminds him that if he passes the audition that he’ll have to move to Seoul. Myungsoo reads between the lines, and he knows that it is his roundabout way of saying that he’ll have to leave _him_.

 

And yet Myungsoo still encourages him to go, it’s the least he can do, especially after all the kindness and affection his hyung has shown him over the past few months. He walks with him to the bus stop the next morning, and gives him a kiss for good luck. He knows that he doesn’t need it though, and when he tells the redhead that he gets the saddest smile in return. As he watches the bus drive away he knows that it’s the beginning of the end, and that there is nothing he can do about it.

 

So when his hyung returns that night with the conflicted look in his eyes, he knows that he was accepted to become a trainee. Myungsoo congratulates him sincerely because it’s what the other deserves to hear.

 

They spend the last week together just enjoying each other, doing random things to distract each other from the clock that is slowly winding down on their relationship. His hyung buys him his favorite foods and holds him close as often as he can. And even though it’s cold outside, they don’t wear gloves when they walk together, because they know that they won’t be able to enjoy something as simple as holding hands much longer.

 

Time goes too quickly, and the redhead’s last night with Myungsoo sneaks up on them. Myungsoo doesn’t even want to leave the apartment, content with just lying in the elder’s arms. And when the other whispers that he wishes that he didn’t have to leave him, Myungsoo knows he isn’t lying.

 

It’s a strange feeling because Myungsoo is overwhelmingly sad; he doesn’t want to be alone again and he’s become used to the elder being by his side. But his hyung is getting the chance to become a real musician, and Myungsoo knows that he has too talented to waste his nights away singing in a coffee shop. He deserves to be on a real stage, to be adored by thousands, and just not one person. His voice was that good, and Myungsoo couldn’t be selfish and keep it to himself.

 

Myungsoo didn’t want to cry, he wanted to be strong for his hyung and he didn’t want him to feel guilty. But the tears come anyway, and the redhead tries his best to kiss them all away. And it all starts to sink in that this will be the last time they hold each other like this, and that in the morning the redhead will truly be gone. So he clutches onto him, begs for him to make him forget, to make their last night memorable. Myungsoo wants to feel his hyung everywhere, wants to surround himself in the other’s scent and feel his touch upon his skin.

 

So he kisses him, harsh and desperate, while his fingers curl too tightly into the other’s shoulders. And when he the elder pulls way he sees that look in his eyes; it’s full of warmth, adoration, and longing. And maybe they aren’t in completely in love, but they both know that that was the direction their relationship was heading in and it doesn’t make the idea of separating hurt any less. The time has run out before Myungsoo can figure out how deep his feelings are for his hyung, and the fact that he will never know the truth is painful in itself. But what he does know is that his hyung has always taken care of him, and he trusts him to do this more than anyone else.

 

He tells the elder that he wants him to be more important than just a memory, and he wants to give him something that will make him never forget him. His hand finds his hyung’s, and he slowly leads him to the elder’s bedroom. He pushes the other’s back to the bed, shifting on top of him to straddle his waist. And when Myungsoo pulls off his shirt and looks down into his hyung’s eyes, he knows that he understands. And if the situation weren’t so serious he probably would have laughed at the way the small eyes had immensely widened, but instead he pulls him in for another kiss, slower and more controlled this time to try to convince him.

 

He knows that their age difference has always been present in his hyung’s mind, and he’s sure that it’s probably the biggest reason why their relationship before this point had never been too physical. In a way the redhead sees him as someone young and pure, and the elder kept things innocent to facilitate what he thought Myungsoo wanted. But what Myungsoo wanted right now is to be seen as a man, for the elder to touch him without holding back and to give him a night he’ll never forget.

 

He thinks that he’s won the battle when he feels the hands creeping up his back, and he smiles into the lip lock. He tugs on the elder’s shirt, and he removes it before pulling Myungsoo back in. He moves Myungsoo to lie underneath him, his hands cupping the younger’s face as he deepened the kiss. Their bare chests brushed together, the small touch still exhilarating. Myungsoo moaned out, and the elder pulled back in hesitance, as if the desperate sound broke him out of a trance.

 

He buried his face in Myungsoo’s neck, murmuring that the younger hadn’t done this before as if the both of them weren’t aware of that fact. He shook his head, saying that it wouldn’t be right for him to do this and then leave. Myungsoo rolled his hips, letting the elder feel just how much he wanted him, lifting his chin up to meet his eyes, telling him that he _needed_ this. His hyung still looked conflicted, so Myungsoo kisses him again, barely pulling away from his lips to whisper please.

 

His hyung gives in, the soft plea too convincing to ignore because he wants the beautiful boy beneath him just as much. The clothes come off slowly, their movements unhurried despite the growing need between them. Myungsoo’s eyes explore the smooth expanse of skin in front of him, drinking all of it in. Their kisses are soft and searching, just like the redhead’s hands that move across his body.

 

When the hand finally wraps around Myungsoo’s length he can’t help but scream out, his senses seemingly heightened by the finality of their situation. The hand strokes him in a pleasant rhythm, warming his body up to the pleasure that’s soon to come. And when he’s hard and ready, his hyung leans up to kiss him again.

 

He shifts away from the bed to grab what he needs, and settles in between Myungsoo’s legs. Myungsoo feels embarrassed by the close proximity, but he knows that it’s necessary. He obeys when he feels an arm pushing his legs further apart, reaching underneath his thighs to hold them in place. He watches him spread the lube over his fingers, and the elder presses a kiss to the inside of his knee when he tells him honestly that it will hurt at first. Myungsoo nods, motioning him to come kiss him again.

 

The elder captures his lips when he pushes the first one in and Myungsoo squirms underneath him. He doesn’t know what to make of the sensation, so he focuses on the kiss. When the second finger is added it feels foreign and he groans into the elder’s mouth. He feels a hand comb through his hair before the hand settles softly on his cheek. The fingers move inside him at a slow pace, letting him get used to the feeling. He gasps out at the last finger, his nails digging into his thighs as he forces himself to stay open. His breath is coming out in pants now, and the desperation starts to take over his body. His hyung is continuously working him open, pulling him apart, and pressing his lips to his skin. He pulls back and their eyes meet, and a simple nod from Myungsoo lets the elder know that he is ready.

 

He moves back and Myungsoo lets go of his legs, patiently waiting for the redhead’s next move. He sees him rolling on the condom and slicking himself up. He crawls back over Myungsoo, looking deep in his eyes in one last question. Myungsoo repeats that he wants this, and with that, he pushes into his body.

 

It feels significantly different than his fingers, and he whimpers beneath him at the stretch. The elder stays completely still above him, occasionally brushing Myungsoo’s thighs with his fingertips as he waits for him to adjust. Myungsoo does his best to take the intrusion well, willing his body to relax and accept the other’s length. It doesn’t take long for him to feel comfortable, and in a way he feels like it’s a small grace granted to him, all things considering.

 

The hand moves from his thighs to hold onto Myungsoo’s hip, encouraging him to move his own to start a slow pace. Myungsoo complies, wrapping his legs around the elder as their bodies started to rock together. His hands tangle in the red hair, gripping the soft strands as their movements fall into a compatible rhythm.

 

In the beginning even though it doesn’t hurt, Myungsoo still feels uncomfortable. It’s a different feeling to have something inside of him, and it’s instinctual to want to try to remove it. But when time and the gentle guide of his hyung’s hand, his body starts to not only accept it, but also desire more.

 

He feels like his body is set on fire with each thrust, a thin layer of sweat breaking out on his body with the heat taking over him. He can tell his hyung is just as affected as he is, his hands gripping into his skin almost a little too tightly as his passion begins to grow.

 

They don’t really speak, the need for words nonexistent as they both try to commit each movement to memory. His hyung doesn’t switch their positions, keeping their faces close together as he moves within him. They spend more time kissing then not, their lips desperate to feel as much of each other as possible. Myungsoo wraps his arms around his back, pushing him down to glue their entire bodies together.

 

There are too many emotions between them, some good and some sad, but it pushes them to the edge quicker than either of them wants. The elder’s hand shifts down between them, reaching for Myungsoo’s length. His hand matches the rhythm of his hips, and Myungsoo can feel that his climax getting closer. Their pace quickens, each of them craving that final release.

 

Myungsoo comes first, his eyes closing shut as a scream escapes his lips. The feeling is wonderful, his body pleasantly humming with excitement as the waves of pleasure wash over him. His hyung continues to rock into him, reveling in the feeling of the younger boy for as long as he can. But the tightening walls and the shaking body beneath him are too enticing, and his orgasm hits him just as hard. He stays inside of him, just for a little longer, to prolong what they both know is inevitable.

 

He gasps out when the elder pulls out of him, feeling empty in more ways then one. He feels the other’s heat leave him as he gets situated and cleans them up. The soft sheet settles over Myungsoo's skin as the elder cradles him in his arms, and he feels strangely proud of himself for resisting the urge to cry. The redhead presses a simple goodnight kiss to his mouth, and they fall asleep without any further words.

 

Morning comes, and with it the reality that he must really leave. The elder is packing up his essentials; someone from the company will come later to gather anything else that he might need. Myungsoo lets his eyes sweep over the apartment, taking in the little details like the small stain on the carpet by the coffee table from one of his leftover cups of hot chocolate. He remembers panicking as he tried to scrub it out, and the elder laughing at him as he assured him that a little stain wasn't a big deal. And it’s silly, Myungsoo knows that, and yet it is a memory of the two of them; a tiny piece of flooring that is proof that they were here, that _they_ happened.

 

His hyung walks into the kitchen, softly saying that he has everything he needs. Myungsoo nods, following him to the door; he doesn’t even let himself look back on the apartment as the door shuts behind him.

 

It’s freezing outside as they walk to the bus stop, their tightly clasped hands already shaking. They only have a couple of minutes left and Myungsoo feels his composure starting to slip. The elder turns to him, pulling him in for a hug and burying his chest in Myungsoo’s neck. He feels the wetness on his skin, and it takes him a moment to realize it’s from his hyung’s tears. He’s never seen his hyung cry before, and the fact that he’s doing so now only makes it that much harder. Myungsoo hugs him back just as fiercely, telling him that he’s thankful for the time that they had together, and that he has no regrets. 

 

And it’s true; Myungsoo doesn’t regret a single thing he’s done with his hyung. He cared for him deeply, but in the end the circumstances weren’t right, and they couldn’t be together. And while he might be brokenhearted in a sense, he thinks the larger part of him will be happy that his hyung finally made his dreams come true, even if he couldn’t be the one standing by his side while he did so. A part of him wishes that they could stay in contact, maybe even be friends, but he knows in his heart that it’s time for them to let each other go, so they can move on freely without feeling burdened.

 

The redhead kisses him and it tastes bittersweet. Myungsoo doesn’t want that, doesn’t want their last kiss to have a shred of sadness in it. When he tells him that the elder laughs, saying that he’s truly grown up, and joking that he’s the one who needs taking care of as they wipe each other’s tears away.

 

They hear the sound of the bus getting nearer, and they realize that the final moment is here. Myungsoo presses his head into his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat as he willed himself not to lose it completely. The redhead grabs his chin, lifting his head up to give him that beautiful eye smile and the matching grin. Myungsoo tells him that he’ll always be his biggest fan, and he sees how tightly the elder has to close his eyes to prevent the tears from falling back out. In return he tells Myungsoo not to be surprised if his first big hit is a sad song, and they both find it in themselves to laugh.

 

Myungsoo moves his hands to the red hair and the elder lightly holds his face. The last kiss is a soft press of lips, mouths slightly open to get a final taste. They pull away slowly, lips touching until they cannot anymore, and just like that it’s over. His hyung promises that he’ll make it, that he’ll be successful. Myungsoo smiles as he tells him that he already knows. The ungloved hands reach for each other, their fingers tangling one last time before the elder leaves him behind.

 

Despite the cold weather Myungsoo decides to walk back to his dorm, letting the tear tracks on his face freeze over without bothering to wipe them. His surroundings are a blur, his feet blindly moving him forward until he sees the familiar sign of the coffee shop, and he feels like the air is stolen out of his chest. He walks up to the shop, peering through the glass at the people sitting inside. He sees his favorite spot in the back corner, and the place where his hyung used to sit on his stool and sing so beautifully.

 

He presses his hand to the cold glass, and he swears he can almost hear the spellbinding music and the exquisite voice floating through the air. But he knows that it’s his imagination, because his hyung won’t play in the shop anymore.

 

His fingers are practically numb from being exposed to the cold, so Myungsoo pulls the gloves onto his trembling fingers. He pictures himself in the shop one last time; laughing at the imagery of him trying to subtlety watch the beautiful singer from behind his laptop while his drink sat untouched. He remembers the way the redhead would catch his eye while playing, sharing a sweet smile with him as his fingers strummed his guitar. But he blinks and the image is gone, there's no barstool in front of him and the tables are rearranged back where they belong. Myungsoo allows himself one last glance, committing it all to memory before he turns away from the window; inside he knows that he will never be able to visit the coffee shop again.


	4. touch

 

Myungsoo returns home for the last couple of weeks of winter break; he spends the majority of it underneath his covers, the comfort of his old bed and the familiarity of the house he grew up in helping more than he thought possible. He puts on a smile when his mom asks questions about his university life, and sulks in his room for the remainder of his free time. The days blend together, and Myungsoo finds himself actually eager for school to start back up again; he wants something to take his mind off of everything, even if that something is monotonous homework and stress inducing tests.

 

Soon enough it’s time to return back to university and Myungsoo finds himself standing in front of a dorm that feels completely unfamiliar; sure it’s his, it has been for almost half a year, but he hasn’t made any effort to make it _feel_ like his own. He realizes that this is where he will spend his time, there aren’t any other options; he doesn’t have anywhere else to go now that he’s gone. He unlocks the door wistfully, entering the tiny dorm room that has never felt like a home, and he can't really envision that ever changing.

 

He sees someone he doesn’t recognize on his roommate’s bed, so he figures it’s one the guys many friends. He finds out he’s wrong when the guy envelops him in an embrace the moment he sets his bag down, talking a mile a minute and completely catching Myungsoo off guard.

 

Apparently his old roommate failed out, which is no surprise at all considering his nonexistent study habits, and this is his dorm’s new occupant. The guy says that he’s _really_ excited to be living with Myungsoo; he’s a transfer student that’s studying abroad for the spring semester. He’s _really_ happy to be back in Korea; he was born here but his parents moved him overseas when he was young. When Myungsoo doesn’t say anything back he looks extremely worried, and he wonders out loud if his accent is too thick or if he’s saying things incorrectly. Myungsoo assures him that he can understand him just fine, but he wasn’t expecting to see a new face.

 

Myungsoo really wants to retreat to his bed to unwind after the long bus ride from home, but the guy won't stop talking to him. He’s all giggles and overly large smiles accompanied by wandering hands. He has long, caramel colored hair that matches perfectly with his sincere chocolate brown eyes. There’s just something about him in general that screams _warmth,_ and it’s only emphasized next to Myungsoo’s cold demeanor.

 

Normally Myungsoo would walk away without a second thought, go about his business and leave his new roommate to fend for himself. But right in the moment when he’s about to make up some fake excuse to get rid of him, the blonde wraps his arms around him in another big hug. He tells him how he’s been all alone while he was waiting for Myungsoo to return from visiting his parents, how he doesn’t know anyone in this country _,_ but more than anything he says how nice it is to finally have a chance to make a friend.

 

And Myungsoo should tell him that he’s picked the wrong person; the blonde probably is better off finding someone else to fill that void. But he wants to be selfish due to the gaping absence in his life that seems impossible to fill. Deep down he knows he doesn’t want to be alone, especially not after what has happened, and maybe this new roommate can help him. So he returns the gesture, wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s waist and telling him, honestly for once, that he’s happy to meet him.

 

Myungsoo isn’t really sure how to be a good friend; all he knows is that for the first time he _wants_ to be, and that has to mean something. It’s rocky at first, his roommate is like an open book who says whatever comes to his mind without necessarily thinking it through; Myungsoo’s not even sure if the guy himself understands what he is trying to say half of the time. But despite the confusion, he can’t deny that what the blonde says is always truthful, and he appreciates that.

 

In the beginning they do safe things together, trivial things that don’t require much effort or sharing from Myungsoo. He shows him around campus, analyzes his schedule to help him find the quickest ways to get to class. He tells him which restaurants in the campus food court to avoid, and what time the lines are shortest for the good ones. He walks him down the street to the nearest supermarket, where the prices for microwavable food are most reasonable. And while all of this information is shallow, not at all about Myungsoo himself, his roommate still sincerely appreciates the gesture.

 

Over time Myungsoo comes to realize that his roommate isn’t anything like the majority of people on campus; a pair of headphones that blare hip hop are constantly dangling from his ears, he wears loud, brightly colored clothes that have a street feel to them, not to mention the fact that he is covered in more accessories and jewelry than most of the female student population. Myungsoo even tried to not so subtly hint to the other that maybe he should try to conform, that things are different here, but his roommate only laughed at his worrying. He said he didn’t see the point in living if he wasn’t living the way he wanted to be.

 

After hearing that Myungsoo couldn’t help but be impressed at how true his roommate was to himself, and he wished that he could become strong enough to live the same way.

 

A couple weeks into the semester he comes back to the dorm to find the blonde in tears; he doesn’t know what to do or how to handle it, he’s used to the too big smile dominating his roommate’s face and seeing his cheeks glistening seems incomprehensibly _wrong._ Myungsoo fells frozen in the doorway; his body wanting to reach out to the other to try to make him feel better because seeing the other sad is something that he just doesn’t like, but his head can’t think of a single thing to say to help fix the situation.

 

He sets his backpack down and slowly approaches him with no real plan at all. His roommate shifts over to create a space on the bed for him, and Myungsoo wordlessly takes it. There’s a couple excruciating minutes of silence, before the other whispers brokenly that he’s homesick. And once the first sentence is spoken, all of the words tumble out of his mouth. He talks about things back home that he misses, silly things like old record stores and ice cream flavors, television shows and snowy scenery, but most of all he longs for his friends. Myungsoo believes it when the other tells him that he left a lot of people behind when he chose to study abroad, and he understands how lonely it must feel for the blonde to only have him to depend on. Sure he’s there, only a couple feet away from him on a nightly basis, but he hasn’t truly shared anything about himself with the other. Suddenly he feels guilty for being so closed off, while his roommate has been doing nothing but trying to strengthen their relationship since the moment he meet him.

 

The blonde quietly apologizes for crying, and that’s when Myungsoo decides that he’s had enough. Why is it that people try so hard to hide their sadness? Why do so many people feel shame for shedding tears, for letting out their emotions? It makes Myungsoo think of the many nights since his hyung has left that he’s laid in bed, refusing to let a tear slip out even when he was alone in the dark with no one to see him cry. It isn’t fair to bottle it all up, to have to deal with the emotions on their own. It isn’t okay that his roommate is so homesick, that the other students on campus shun away from him simply on sight because he’s different. It isn’t okay that Myungsoo didn’t get the chance to fall in love, that it ended before he could taste true romance.

 

And suddenly the words are falling out of Myungsoo’s mouth, just like the tears leaving his eyes. He tells his roommate just how sorry he is that he isn’t a better friend; admits that he’s always had his defenses up and he’s never really learned the correct way to be a confidant. He tells him that the last time he cared about someone it only ended in disaster.

 

He tells him everything about his hyung, from the first day he saw him in a bustling coffee shop to the sleepless last night they spent together. And he finally admits out loud, for the first time, that he wishes that his hyung had chosen him over music. He tells him how guilty he feels for thinking that way, if he truly cared about his hyung then he should be nothing but happy that he had achieved success. He admits that he’s never felt lonelier, and even though it isn’t fair, a part of him blames his hyung for leaving him behind and making him feel this way.

 

And then he’s apologizing to his roommate too, for completely failing at brightening the depressing atmosphere and for making the entire conversation about him. But when he finally looks at the blonde, he’s surprised to see the trademark grin back in place. He’s momentarily stunned, confused about how his story of heartache has made the blonde so happy. But then he feels the arms wrapping around him, the other’s fingers bunching in his shirt as he tightens his grip. His roommate tells him that this is the most Myungsoo has ever talked to him, that this is the realest conversation they’ve ever had. How special he feels that Myungsoo told him his story, that he’s never felt closer to him, and that maybe they were meant to meet each other, to help one another through their respective hard times.

 

He pulls back from the embrace, reaching up to wipe away the tears from Myungsoo’s eyes, and there are no more walls left standing in between them. Myungsoo can’t help at smile through the tears at the realization that this is the beginning of his first true friendship.

 

His roommate admits that he came to Korea to escape his own failed relationship, effectively running away from his problems instead of facing them. They bond over their shared heartbreak, and Myungsoo is surprised to discover how much they have in common. After that it’s unbelievably easy, they support each other day in and day out no matter what. They slowly help each other heal, talking through their problems until they can figure out solutions. When they don’t have homework they stay up late, talking and laughing together. Other times they don’t speak at all, just holding hands after a long day of classes. But what is most important is that they are _there_ for each other, and sometimes that’s all either of them needs.

 

When they first met Myungsoo wasn’t sure how to handle the frequent touches, but now he craves them. They have a tangible connection with each other, a physical representation of their friendship. If Myungsoo brings home take out his roommate will wrap him up in a big hug, if he gets a good grade on a test the other gives him a light pat on his backside, and on the worst nights when the loneliness tries to creep back in, they hold each other until they fall asleep.

 

There’s so much contact between them; small gestures like a light touch on Myungsoo’s wrist when he’s typing a paper and big ones like two arms wrapping around his waist and a head resting against his shoulder. But no matter how long or short touches last, they always leave Myungsoo feeling just a little bit happier inside.

 

There isn’t anything sexual about it, sure he finds his roommate attractive and he knows the other feels the same, but somehow they both realize that what they both need right now in their lives more than anything is a friend, not a lover. Neither is really ready for a romantic love, but that doesn’t mean they can’t share it platonically.

 

It’s not to say that sometimes Myungsoo doesn’t wish that things could be different; occasionally he comes home from class to find a steaming bowl of ramen hot and ready on the table and he eats while the other asks him endless questions about how his day went. And afterwards they’ll lay on Myungsoo’s bed and watch the latest episode of their favorite anime with their heads resting together and he thinks of just how simple it would be to turn his head and capture the blonde’s plump lips between his own. And sometimes he’ll see the warmth in the blonde’s eyes change, just a flicker of fire in them when a touch lasts too long, borders on the verge of being too intimate.

 

One night during spring break they get dangerously close to changing everything. After a night out on the town that was horribly awkward for the both of them, they return to the dorm feeling giggly and a little light headed. His roommate can’t stop laughing at the fact that Myungsoo has no game; at the bar his interactions with interested boys and girls had been extremely amusing for him to witness. In reality his roommate faired no better, letting out his too loud laugh anytime someone got too close and showing off some very questionable dance moves.

 

Myungsoo’s leaning against the desk when the blonde comes over for a hug, telling him that not everyone can rely on stunningly good looks to get who they want. When he tries to pull back, Myungsoo locks his arms around his neck, effectively keeping his face from moving away. And their mouths are so close, hot breath ghosting over his lips as Myungsoo tries to remember all the reasons why this isn’t a good idea. He’s looking down into those big eyes, the heat in them unmistakable. The blonde’s arms settle around his waist, their bodies practically molded together as they contemplate taking closing that last little inch of space in between them. Myungsoo’s hands move up the run through the soft blonde hair, resting on the back of his neck, his thumbs caressing the curve of his jaw to angle his face up.

 

The moment their lips meet, it’s like a switch is turned on in both of them. It’s messy, mouths immediately opening for their tongues to twist together. The wood of the desk is digging into his lower back but he can't bring himself to care, not when the other is kissing him like _that._ He can taste a little bit of sweetness on the other's tongue and it's so _good,_ he doesn't feel the slightest bit ashamed for the little moans that escape his mouth. The soft light of their dorm room cast shadows over their bodies as they fall into bed together. They don't speak, words aren't necessary at the moment and they just rely on their instincts to guide them through this. Myungsoo hasn’t been this turned on in a very long time, and every single touch feels heightened within the context of this particular night.

 

The blonde ends up on top of him, kissing a line down his neck as he grinds down on him. Myungsoo pulls at the edge of his shirt, removing it swiftly to reveal soft skin. And he's seen him shirtless before, they've changed in front of each other more times than he can count. But he's never undressed him, he's never been able to openly stare at his body like this and it just makes everything feel that much more satisfying. His roommate returns the favor, stripping off Myungsoo's shirt before diving back into the kiss while his fingers tangled Myungsoo’s dark black hair. Myungsoo drags him back up his body to face him again, losing himself in the heat of another frantic kiss.

 

His hands travel across the smooth skin of the smaller man’s back, cupping his ass through his jeans as their hips move together. There’s so much friction and his length is already hardening in his pants, and he can hardly catch a breath before his roommate starts kissing him again. They can barely move around in the tiny twin bed, but that's just an excuse to keep their bodies glued together as they make out. Myungsoo knows that he's playing with fire, that things could change in the morning, but it's hard to focus on that when the blonde's tongue licking his pulse point. He tries to fight down the insecurities bubbling up in his stomach, pushing it all down to focus on the lips pressing kisses into his neck.

 

His roommate’s hands move down his torso, trailing over his chest and abs to finally stop at his jeans. His hands swiftly undo the button, but when they reach for the zipper they become surprisingly still. Myungsoo is panting underneath him, but the gravity of the situation is not lost on him. Even though neither says it, they both know exactly what will happen if he pulls down the zipper; inevitably they will end up sleeping together, and not in the way they are used to. There will be no going back, no way to reverse their actions if they have sex; it will change their dynamic and their bond would be threatened. The blonde's fingers are clasped around the tiny piece of metal, and yet he doesn’t move. The blonde's voice is quiet, but the words he whispers in the dark are unmistakable; _you’re my best friend_.

 

And it feels like the atmosphere is broken, the haze clearing up after hearing the soft-spoken plea. Myungsoo realizes that this isn’t right, and when he says so the blonde nods his head in agreement. He buttons up Myungsoo's pants silently and tries to put some distance between them. Myungsoo doesn’t let him, immediately pulling him into a tight embrace. He doesn’t want his roommate to get the wrong idea; he doesn’t want either of them to hurt because of this.

 

So he tells him the truth; that he thinks he’s absolutely beautiful and in this moment his body wants him more than anything, but his heart wants, no _needs_  their friendship more. His chest tightens in worry when his roommate climbs off of him, but when he hands him back his shirt with a smile he knows that they've done the right thing and that their relationship will be okay. His roommate means too much, their friendship is too valuable to throw away for a simple night of pleasure. Once they are redressed and the lust has faded, they still go to sleep in each other’s arms because that’s what they do. Only they can define what’s between them, and they don’t ever want to risk changing the dynamic again.

 

They don’t talk about underlying tension beneath the surface of their friendship; they don’t even have to acknowledge it because they are already on the same page about it without ever having to speak about it. They take comfort in the touches and the closeness while simultaneously refusing to cross that line. And even though neither of them mentions it, there is always the metaphorical timer counting down above their heads; one day his roommate will leave him, go back home to his family and friends in a country thousands of miles away. Despite the many secrets they tell each other this semester, ones that they wouldn’t dare tell anyone else, no matter how close they become and how deep their dependency grows, the reality of their seperation will not change.

 

Finals week sneaks up Myungsoo again, and it’s just as stressful as the first time, only now the person sitting next to him is going through the exact same torture. The two of them pull all nighters together studying; they take turns going on food runs and act as each other's personal alarms to make sure naps don't last too long and to ensure that exams are attended on time. By the end of the week they are both completely exhausted, but undeniably happy at the prospect of no more studying. His roommate only has one more week left in Korea, and they are determined to make the most of it.

 

He lets his roommate drag him all around, to boring museums and landmarks that he’s already visited on school trips countless times before, but he doesn’t complain in the slightest. They eat at fancy Korean restaurants that are too expensive so the blonde can savor the taste of the authentic cuisine before he has to leave. Myungsoo hates the water, but they still go to the beach; watching the sun set over the sparkling ocean as their fingers tangle together. The fun they have far outweighs the sadness, and Myungsoo feels indescribably complete at the end of each day.

 

The trip to the airport is far from silent; they hold hands in the backseat of the taxi and the shorter man rests his head on Myungsoo’s shoulder. His now ex-roommate practically gives him a to do list, firm instructions on how to act more sociable once he’s gone. He makes Myungsoo promise to get involved on campus, to make an effort to reach out and connect with people. He isn’t joking in the slightest when he says that he won’t hesitate to fly back to Korea to personally kick Myungsoo’s ass if he finds out that he’s being a recluse and not living his life to the fullest.

 

Myungsoo helps him check his ridiculous amount of luggage, and walks with him all the way to the security gates. His roommate is still rattling off random advice, like how not to tell people about his anime addiction until they’ve hung out at least five times and to only drink three bottles of soju when he’s out in public because he gets too touchy after four and before they know it they’ve reached the end of the line. They share one last embrace, squeezing the daylights out of each other while experiencing a strange mix of laughter and tears. The blonde promises to come back to visit someday, and Myungsoo feels unbelievably happy because he knows his best friend really means it. He watches him go through the security line, and when the blonde gives him a big toothy grin and a final wave before he disappears to board his flight Myungsoo knows without a shadow of a doubt that this nowhere the end of their friendship.

 

And later that night, when he’s finished packing up all of his things from the dorm he realizes that he actually managed to make it his home this semester. The place he hated in the fall had become his sanctuary in the spring, and the memories he made here were priceless. He’ll actually miss the too small place, but it wouldn’t feel right to continue living here without his best friend. He smiles one last time at the now empty dorm, the too small twin beds that they had managed to squeeze into together, the microwave that kept them from starving, and the desk where they had almost risked losing it all. He boards the bus to take him back to his parent’s house for the summer, already feeling anxious for the chance to make his best friend proud when he returns to classes in the fall.

 

As the scenery blurs together outside of the window, Myungsoo understands how important having a best friend was; someone that he could laugh with and just talk to about anything at all. He knows that he completely opened up his heart to his roommate, and that while it was a different kind of love this time, platonic and chaste, it was still  _deep_ and it left its mark on him. He’s happy that they didn’t lose control and that they stayed within the proper boundaries, that they made the decision that night to stop when they had, because now they can keep in contact with one another and continue their friendship. And even though the absence of him weighs heavily in Myungsoo’s heart, he knows that the other is just a simple call or text away. Despite the ocean in between them, he knows that their hearts will always be close. He will always be someone that he can count on to listen to his troubles, to help guide him in the right direction, and really, what more could Myungsoo ask for in a friend?


	5. taste

 

Myungsoo gave his mother a kiss on the cheek, barely restraining himself from pushing her out of his front door. After helping him move into his studio apartment, she practically forced him to parade her around his college town. He didn’t understand how she could be so energetic after a day of moving, but to each their own.

 

He wanted nothing more than to collapse into bed, but a quick glance at the clock let him know that he didn’t have any time to waste. He slipped on a light jacket and was out the door in seconds. He was thankful for his apartment’s perfect location; campus was only a short couple of minutes away. He spent the majority of the summer apartment hunting, online of course, and when this particular unit came up for rent, he didn’t hesitate to sign the lease. It might not be the newest building and the size did borderline on uncomfortably small, but the convenience of living so close to his classes couldn't be ignored.

 

He felt his stomach growling, his mom had tried to coax him into going out for food but she immediately let it go after finding out he had actual dinner plans with some friends. Technically they weren’t his friends, at least not yet, but it got her off his case so he let it slide without bothering to correct her.

 

If he could have it his way, he would be curled up on his new couch watching Bleach reruns, but he had made a promise. After giving it some thought and practically memorizing the student life webpage, Myungsoo had decided to get involved with the International Student Association. After all, if it weren’t for the campus exchange student program he would have never met his best friend.

 

Tonight the ISA was hosting a welcome banquet to give the new students an opportunity to meet each other and to give a platform to learn about the Korean culture. Thankfully, dinner would be provided; the event page had explained that the club would serve basic Korean dishes to give foreigners an idea of the local cuisine.

 

Myungsoo made a point to show up a little late, he didn’t want to repeat past mistakes, so when he walked inside the auditorium it was already bustling and loud. His eyes wandered around the room, looking for the people in charge. Near the middle of the room a boy and a girl sat at a fold out table, a make shift banner declaring it the registration booth. He made his way over and introduced himself.

 

The guy hopped out of his seat, giving him a blinding smile as he introduced himself. He was a senior and the president of the club, the person Myungsoo had been corresponding with over e-mail. He quickly introduced the other girl, apparently she was the vice president, but before Myungsoo could say anything back the male was already whisking him away.

 

He moved towards the far right of the room, guiding him to a table full of empty nametags. He wrote Myungsoo’s name with a black sharpie, he even added a little emoticon at the end of it. He peeled off the sticky badge from the paper, before smoothing it onto Myungsoo’s chest.

 

They were standing close, too close, and now Myungsoo finally let myself look at him. He was wearing a fitted slacks and a white polo, the sleeves stopping at the curve of the muscles in his arms. The nametag right next to the undone buttons only drew attention to his chest. When Myungsoo finally dragged his eyes away from the gorgeous body he was met with an equally appealing face; the soft, overly plump lips, the straight line of his nose, rich brown hair that feel into the small, sparkling eyes.

 

It was then that Myungsoo noticed that he had been caught staring, but judging by the playful smirk on the other’s face, he didn’t seem to mind. The hand on Myungsoo’s chest, moved down, lightly dragging over his nipple before disappearing. His wicked hand disappeared into his pocket, pulling out a star and attaching to his shirt it above his nametag with a safety pin, so that the other students would know he was part of the staff. He messed around with the star as he explained Myungsoo’s tasks for the evening, which was pretty much just to supervise and answer any questions the new students might ask him, but Myungsoo suspected the other just wanted an excuse to touch him. He stepped away, telling him that he was looking forward to working with Myungsoo this year, and then just like that, he was gone.

 

Myungsoo looked around a little flustered, but apparently no one else had noticed their little exchange. He took a deep breath, opting to calm his nerves and focus on the event; he could dissect his conversation with the president later.

 

Another student walked by with a plate of food, and Myungsoo was immediately reminded of his hunger. The brunette had made temporarily made him forget his appetite, making him hungry for another thing entirely, but now he was keen to eat something. He joined the line for the buffet, smiling when he met other people’s eyes and reminding himself to be open and friendly with the new students.  

 

Once he had a plate stacked full of his favorites, he retreated to one of the empty tables to finally eat. Occasionally another student would sit down with him, looking horribly sorry for bothering him but he welcomed them openly. He found that he rather liked the exchange students; they didn’t quite know how to communicate and their self-consciousness with speaking the language was undeniably clear. Myungsoo fancied them because they reminded him of himself; slightly awkward but desperate to make a good impression. He engaged them in basic conversation, explained what some of the food on their plate was, and gave them some useful tips for navigating campus. Each person left his table with a smile on their face, and for once Myungsoo felt like he was doing something really good, that he was actually a part of a bigger picture. And sometimes he could have sworn he felt eyes staring at him, but when he glanced around he could never quite catch where they were coming from.

 

But all good things must come to an end, and right when Myungsoo was about to get into a heated discussion with a Japanese exchange student about why Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood was better than the original, the president had stood up on his chair to gather everyone’s attention. He thanked everyone for attending, saying that he hoped that all of the students would embrace Korea as if it were their home, and encouraged them to leave their contact information on the sign-up sheet at the registration booth to stay informed about upcoming ISA events. Everyone clapped to show their appreciation for the banquet as the president wished them all good luck with their studies, giving them his killer smile as he waved goodbye, coming down from his chair to shake a couple of hands.

 

Myungsoo figured as part of the staff that he should get started cleaning up, so he made his way around the room to pick up empty paper plates and plastic cups. The mess wasn’t anything too serious, and he saw a couple others with stars on their chests that followed his lead to help make the job go faster. He walked over to the buffet, beginning to package up the leftovers in some Tupperware. He was so engrossed in his task that he didn’t feel the other’s presence until he was brushing up against him.

 

It was clear that it had been too long since Myungsoo had been around someone he was attracted to; it was disconcerting that a quick glance and a soft touch could unsettle him so. The president asked him if he enjoyed the evening, and Myungsoo nodded silently, trying not to let his awkwardness shine through.

 

The president held his phone out to Myungsoo, the latter staring at the device in confusion. The brunette nudged him with the phone, and Myungsoo realized he was supposed to give him his number. After punching in his digits, he handed it back with an unspoken question, and the boy explained that he would need to be able to contact him about ISA events since he was joining the committee. He almost asked him why they couldn’t communicate over e-mail like before, but he keep his mouth shut because why wouldn’t he want the brunette to have his number?

 

When the boy showed no signs of walking away, Myungsoo tried desperately to think of something interesting to say. He came up with nothing, which was no surprise at all, so he latched onto the nearest thing, which just so happened to be a container of kimchi in his hand. Myungsoo made an offhand remark about wishing he could take it home with him because it tasted so good, and the president just laughed, telling him he could do just that.

 

And then he was in his personal space again, unpinning the star from Myungsoo’s chest and whispering that the food wasn’t the only thing that Myungsoo could take home with him.

 

Once again, Myungsoo thanked his luck for scoring an apartment so close to campus, because he could barely control himself in the short amount of time it took the two of them to walk to his place. The elder was on him the moment he opened the door, kissing him hard as he kicked the door closed behind them. They crashed into the nearest wall, their lips moving together frantically in the darkened atmosphere.

 

When he pulled away for the air the brunette whispered how sexy Myungsoo was, his mouth swiftly moving down the long line of Myungsoo’s neck. The latter could barely keep his head above water, but it had been so long and the brunette was making him feel so good. He felt hands run underneath his shirt, nimble fingers tightening on his hips as their mouths met again.

 

Myungsoo almost wished that he was intoxicated so he could blame this euphoric feeling on alcohol but that wasn’t the case; he was simply drunk off the beautiful boy in front of him, kissing and touching any part of Myungsoo’s skin that he could reach. He knew what he was doing was bad, letting the boy touch him so intimitely, especially so quickly. But the touches felt wonderful on his skin and the brunette tasted like sin, and Myungsoo couldn’t bring himself to stop. His fingers tightened in the soft brown hair, his tongue exploring the other’s hot mouth as their bodies began to grind together.

 

The elder pulled away, dropping one last kiss on Myungsoo’s lips before he asked for directions to the bedroom. Myungsoo opted to show him instead, practically dragging him to his bed and depositing himself on the mattress. The boy climbed on top of him in an instant, pulling at his lips with his teeth while his hands wandered down to Myungsoo’s clothed erection.

 

Myungsoo cried out at the touch of his hand, and the boy gave him a wicked smile as he increased the pressure on his neglected member. He tugged at the flimsy shirt Myungsoo was wearing, and the latter pulled his body up to allow the brunette to undress him. The moment the shirt was off the hands were back on his jeans, peeling them off with his boxers before Myungsoo could even think of protesting. But an objection was the furthest thing on his mind; right now the only thing he wanted was for the brunette to keep touching him, to keep staring at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.

 

The boy’s eyes showed nothing but appreciation, raking over Myungsoo's exposed skin as he licked his lips. His compliments were endless, his hands moving over Myungsoo’s naked body as he praised him. Myungsoo tried to sit up to pull off the boy’s clothes, but a strong hand on his chest kept his back planted firmly to the bed.

 

He crawled down Myungsoo’s body, his tongue tracing a path over the pale skin until he got to his target. He licked Myungsoo from his base to the tip, swirling his tongue around the head before finally engulfing Myungsoo’s member.

 

Myungsoo cried out at the sudden pleasure, his hands immediately reaching for the brown hair, tangling in the soft locks. The boy pinned his hips down, smirking at his strong reaction to his movements. He sucked his length lazily, slowly moving his head until the tip of Myungsoo’s cock almost popped out, before sinking back down all over again. The brunette's mouth was maddening and amazing all at once. It didn’t help that the sparkling brown eyes were permanently fixed on the other, taking in every single reaction, adjusting his performance to pleasure Myungsoo just the way he liked it.

 

He wasn’t naive, Myungsoo knew exactly where this was going and he honestly couldn’t wait. The brunette finally pulled away, his hand taking over where his mouth left off to ask Myungsoo if he had any preparation. Myungsoo almost wanted to cry when he realized he didn’t, he had only moved in today and buying condoms and lube hadn’t exactly been on the list of his priorities. He didn’t think he’d be in this situation, especially not this quickly. He let out a whine at the loss of the boy’s heat when he moved off of the bed; Myungsoo was so turned on and the knowledge that he wouldn’t be getting what he wanted made his body ache.

 

But all his worries were for nothing, the boy had pulled out a condom from his wallet, climbing back onto the bed and chuckling at Myungsoo’s expression of pure relief. He teased Myungsoo for being so eager, but the latter knew he wasn’t in it alone, he could see the boy’s hardness through his jeans and that was a statement in itself.

 

He pushed his fingers to Myungsoo’s mouth, softly pressing on his lips to encourage him to open up. Myungsoo let him slide his fingers in between his lips, and he sucked on them in earnest. His dark eyes found the lustful brown ones as he licked the fingers, doing his best to make a show of it, trying to turn on the brunette as much as he was.

 

It seemed to work, all too soon the boy was pulling his fingers out of Myungsoo’s mouth and shifting down to get comfortable in between his legs. He pushed Myungsoo’s legs wider, urging him to spread himself open for him. He dropped wet kisses on Myungsoo’s inner thighs, licking the sensitive skin as his fingers teased Myungsoo’s opening.

 

When they finally breached his body he whimpered, the sensation somehow foreign yet vaguely familiar. The brunette didn't seem to be in the mood for teasing now; his movements are harsh and quick, preparing Myungsoo in as little time as possible. Myungsoo doesn’t complain about it, not when the brunette takes his length back inside his mouth, not when he’s pressing into that spot so flawlessly.

 

The moans are pouring out of Myungsoo’s mouth, getting higher in pitch as he gets closer to that edge. The lips wrapped around his lips feel so soft, and the fingers pressing into him are anything but. The boy isn’t letting up, if anything he just seems more determined to make Myungsoo's composure shatter. And when it does it feels wonderful, the overwhelming pleasure making him feel lightheaded and entirely satisfied.

 

The brunette swallows his release, softly sucking on his member as Myungsoo comes down from his high. When he pulls away he purposely drags his tongue over his swollen lips, and it’s enough to get Myungsoo’s heart beating fast all over again. He leans down to capture his lips, letting Myungsoo taste the essence of himself on the boy’s tongue as the fingers inside of him curl one last time before the boy removes them.

 

He stands up then, quickly pulling off his clothes before reaching for the tiny packet. Myungsoo watches the boy slide on the condom and it strikes him that this is only the second time that he’s ever seen someone do so. The last time he was in a completely different situation, his heart was in a different place, and yet now, his body wants it all the same.

 

A hand pulls on his hip, shifting him over to lie on his stomach. A small part of Myungsoo feels a little hurt that the other doesn’t want to see his face, but those thoughts quickly disappear once the boy sinks into his warmth.

 

Myungsoo had definitely forgotten what this felt like, that underlying burning, that feeling of being stretched to his limits. But the brunette knows what he’s doing; he’s all dirty whispered words and distracting kisses that make it hard for Myungsoo to concentrate on much of anything. And when he finally does start moving, Myungsoo almost wants to cry tears of pure joy because it feels that wonderful. It’s been so long, and each time the brunette slams into him he swears that he’ll never abstain again.

 

Everything about their coupling is hard; the teeth biting into Myungsoo’s neck, the fingers that grip his sides, the length that nearly splits him open with each thrust. And Myungsoo is helpless, the most he can do is cry out, his hands tangled in the sheets as the brunette quickens his pace.

 

The rhythm is unforgiving, much like the strength of his movements. Each time the brunette pushes into him Myungsoo’s body shakes, and he doesn’t have a chance to even properly breathe before the motions repeat themselves.

 

There is no love or tenderness in the boy’s actions, it’s all lust driven need that makes Myungsoo’s toes curl. He wraps an arm around Myungsoo’s torso, urging him to hold himself up on his hands and knees. His hands fall to Myungsoo’s hips then, roughly pulling him back to meet each thrust and it feels so much better this way. The angle is amazing and each time the brunette flicks his hips his member drills into Myungsoo’s sweet spot.

 

Soon Myungsoo collapses to his elbows, unable to stay upright under the brunette’s sensual assault. His mouth is permanently opened in a moan, and somehow the brunette just keeps going. His pace quickens and Myungsoo starts begging, he’s not sure how much more of this he can take and he wants to feel that overwhelming bliss again.

 

The elder doesn’t even have to touch Myungsoo’s member, he just continues to abuse his prostate and watches Myungsoo turn into a complete mess. Myungsoo screams out the other's name when he comes, his body falling to the mattress as the orgasm rips through him.

 

His walls tighten around the boy's member, making the brunette gasp out in pleasure. He feels the man behind him falter, his pace becoming erratic before he too surrenders to his release. After a few moments he detaches himself from Myungsoo’s body, pulling off the condom and collapsing to the bed in exhaustion.

 

Myungsoo rolls over to his back, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath; he's completely unsure of what to do in this situation and he has no energy to really think it through. But the brunette answers the dilemma for him, pulling him close and dropping a chaste kiss on his forehead before suggesting that they call it a night. Myungsoo feels the brunette’s strong arms wrap around him, another kiss pressed onto his hair as the elder’s breathing starts to even out.

 

And it’s far too hot in the room, they’re both sweaty and Myungsoo is sticky in places he’d rather not be, but he wouldn’t dare leave the other’s arms. It feels too good to be held like that, and he falls asleep with a satisfied smile on his face, hoping that this won’t be the only time he does so.

 

That night becomes the first of many; before long it turns into a sort of routine between them. They keep a respective distance from each other during the ISA events, the president showing no favoritism or indication that there is something going on between them for obvious reasons. But if anything it just makes it that much more thrilling; Myungsoo is more then aware of the numerous eyes that follow the president around the room, the boys and girls that are a part of the club simply to try to get closer to the brunette. It makes him feel so proud that the boy has chosen him, and in a way he considers himself to be special.

 

The semester goes by quickly, days spent sending suggestive text messages and long nights filled with overwhelming passion. Myungsoo doesn’t even understand how it’s possible that he’s still so turned on, so flustered by the brunette’s presence even though they've indulged in each other countless times before. But the fact is that he’s powerless around him, whether it is in the light of a committee meeting or the darkness of his bedroom.

 

The other treats him like he’s the most precious thing, he says the sweetest words each time he comes over to the apartment and he’s constantly checking up on Myungsoo’s studies. He even cooks him dinner; it just so happened that the kimchi Myungsoo enjoyed so long ago was made by the president himself. Now he cooks whatever Myungsoo asks for, calling him into the kitchen and making Myungsoo taste samples off of his tongue. And there’s been more than one occasion when the dinner has been ruined because of the boy’s wandering hands and teasing tongue, but at the end of the night Myungsoo always thought it was worth it. And one night, when they are lying on the cold kitchen floor after another spontaneous hook up, the boy tells him that he could see himself falling in love with him. Myungsoo’s heart practically bursts out his chest, and the only thing he can do is kiss him again.

 

Myungsoo accepts the fact that he’s in love with the brunette over winter break. The boy’s parents actually live in Japan, so after dropping him off at the airport he isn’t able to see him for a month. They still text and call one another, but it’s nowhere near the same amount as before. Myungsoo wants more than anything to be clingy and demand the other’s attention, but he respects the fact that the boy doesn’t get to spend too much time with his parents. But he thinks about the other constantly, lays in his old bed and dreams of their nights together, aches to touch the brunette’s beautiful body again.

 

But it’s not just his touch that he misses, it’s a little bit of everything; the soft voice that tells him the overly sweet compliments and his questionable sense of humor and lazy nights just holding hands on the couch. Somehow the boy has become his world, the center of the universe that Myungsoo can’t help but revolve around. And it might be pathetic, but Myungsoo can’t stop himself from counting down the days until he can see the brunette again.

 

He ends up heading back to his apartment earlier than he expected, he can’t stand moping around in his parent’s house anymore and he longs for the familiarity and scenery of his new place. That, or he wants to be somewhere that reminds him of the brunette. And when he finally returns, Myungsoo doesn’t  bother to keep his enthusiasm in check, he practically pounces the elder the moment he sees him, and that night they don’t get a wink of sleep.

 

Classes start up again, and they resume their previous routines. The first couple of weeks Myungsoo is on cloud nine, just happy to be so close with the other again after such a long separation. But once the butterflies fade away, Myungsoo begins to notice that the elder is a little distracted. He still comes over to Myungsoo’s apartment, but not as often as before, and now Myungsoo has to ask him to cook them dinner instead of the other offering. The brunette doesn’t hold his gaze as often, his eyes seem to flicker away each time Myungsoo tries to look at him.

 

And a tiny seed of doubt starts to grow in Myungsoo’s heart, because winter break had solidified his feelings and shown him just how deeply he cared for the other. What if it had the opposite effect on the elder? What if it made him realize that he didn’t want Myungsoo anymore? And the fear of the brunette growing tired of him is suffocating, and just when he feels like he can’t breathe anymore the other will do something so small, a soft kiss pressed to his cheek or a whisper in his ear that he’s so beautiful, and all of the worries in Myungsoo’s head disappear. It’s almost tragic how much control the boy holds over him, how he can alter his moods for better or worse, how Myungsoo craves his presence no matter what. But the elder never leaves, never says anything to make Myungsoo think that he will, so Myungsoo chalks up his emotions to paranoia and tries his best not to let the underlying suspicions rise to the surface.

 

When Myungsoo asks the brunette to join him in his hometown for spring break, he is hesitant. Myungsoo pouts, because he wanted to introduce him to his parents, they knew about his lifestyle and mother was begging him to bring home his new boyfriend. He wants to try to convince him, to make him understand how important this is to him, but the boy captures him in a rather distracting kiss. He tells Myungsoo that he would much rather the two of them spend spring break alone; a week with no school obligations, relaxing underneath the sheets, only leaving the bed for food, and forgoing clothes all together. His hand wanders down to Myungsoo length as he speaks, his lips pressing softly against his ear and it’s impossible for Myungsoo to resist such an offer.

 

But after a blissful week spent tangle up in each other in Myungsoo's apartment, the brunette is as scarce as ever. And when Myungsoo finally works up the courage to ask him if something’s wrong with him, even though he really means them, the other just laughs it off. He assures him that his dampened mood is due to the stress of graduation, and that his lack of visits are due to long nights spent in the library working on his thesis. It makes Myungsoo feel terrible, because he’s been so caught up in his own head’s drama that he hasn’t even considered the fact that in a couple of months the other will have to enter the real world and leave university behind.

  
So Myungsoo apologizes, despite the other’s protests that he has nothing to be sorry for, and he tries his best to make it up to him. He does his best not to bother the elder, he doesn’t beg him to come over like he used to. He lets him come and go on his own, and he does his best to try to make the most of the time they get to spend together.

 

When graduation finally rolls around Myungsoo couldn’t be more proud of the other’s achievements. He wanted to attend the ceremony to support him but the brunette told him not to. He shrugged it off, saying that he liked Myungsoo too much to force him to sit through an event that was far too long and way too boring. Myungsoo tried to argue, he wanted him to have at least one supporter in the crowd, but the elder assured him that it was fine; his parents were flying in for the ceremony. Myungsoo tried to not take it personally that the brunette didn’t offer for him to meet them.

 

He was sitting in his apartment alone the day of the commencement, but he lived close enough to campus to hear the fanfare. He jumped up from his couch, deciding to hell with the elder’s opinions; he wanted to be there, this was one of the most important days of the brunette’s life, and he’d be damned if he missed it. He walked to campus, taking in the various families snapping pictures and the smiling graduates holding their diplomas on stage. He sat near the back, watching the beautiful boy sit proudly among the other distinguished alumni. At one point he even gave a speech, managing to be both humorous and thoughtful, and Myungsoo couldn’t help but applaud proudly along with the others when he finished.

 

The dean shuffled up to the microphone, giving the students his good wishes and one last farewell, before they all threw their caps in the air. Myungsoo got caught up in the euphoria of the event, joining in with the people celebrating around him.

 

The students started to make their way off the stage, and Myungsoo waited towards the back. He saw the brunette hugging and talking to what must have been his parents. Myungsoo wanted to approach him so he would know that he attended, but he also didn’t want to ambush him around his family. So he hovered nearby, trying to catch the elder’s eye so they could maybe have a quick word.

 

He saw the now ex-vice president approach the little family, shaking his parent’s hands before turning to give the brunette a big hug. Myungsoo smiled, the two had always been close because of ISA and now they had finally graduated. But the smile faded very quickly when he saw their lips meet in a kiss.

 

It honestly felt like a movie, an out of body experience of sorts where he was watching something happen in front of his eyes that was so unbelievable that it couldn’t possibly be true. But the evidence was right there, in his lover’s hands that were gently holding the girl’s cheeks as he kissed her, even joyfully twirling her around in a circle, her hair splaying prettily as they laughed together.

 

When he finally set her down his parents motioned for them to pose for a picture together. It was then that the brunette’s gaze moved in his direction, their eyes meeting and time slowing to a stop. Myungsoo felt like he couldn’t breathe; he didn’t know what to do, didn’t know if the other would run to him, try to make up some excuse, try to convince him that it wasn’t what it so clearly seemed.

 

But the reality was so much worse than that. The brunette held his gaze, clearly acknowledging him before turning back to the girl. His arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her close and dropping a kiss on her cheek. Myungsoo watched the flash go off, documenting the moment that his heart broke into a million pieces forever.

 

Myungsoo didn’t even know how he managed to make it home after that. Each step that he took towards his home equated to a step the other made in the other direction, a step the brunette did not take to try to stop him.  

 

The tears broke through like a river pushing through a dam, heavy sobs that racked his entire body. He just wanted to scream, wanted to understand why, where did he go wrong to possibly deserve this? He had loved him, done whatever he wanted since the night he met him, had even given him his space when he asked for it, and it still wasn’t enough.

 

When had he lost the boy's heart to her? How long had he been deceiving Myungsoo, acting out the role of his lover while playing with the vice president? It made Myungsoo want to curl up in a ball and disappear, because the brunette didn’t even bother to hide it. He told Myungsoo all the times he was hanging out with her, and the former had never questioned it. He’d seen her name pop up on the boy's phone countless times, and he’d always believed it was something to do with school or the club. The reality that Myungsoo was that stupid and so easily played hurt almost as much as the other’s betrayal.

 

And Myungsoo hated it because deep down he’d always known that something was not quite right, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. The brunette was sand slipping through Myungsoo’s fingers, no matter how desperately he tried to hold on.

 

A couple days later the brunette showed up on his doorstep, and Myungsoo hated himself for being so weak and letting him in. As if his life couldn’t get any worse, the elder declared he wasn’t there to apologize but to answer any questions that Myungsoo might have.

 

Myungsoo absolutely lost it because how dare he? How dare he show up and act like he was doing Myungsoo a favor for explaining himself? But Myungsoo was vulnerable and he needed answers. He wanted to know when this started, when he had lost a game he didn't even realize he was playing.

 

The truth hurt more than he could imagine; the brunette pointed out that he had never asked Myungsoo for them to be exclusive so he couldn’t be accused of cheating. Myungsoo asked him what the hell they had been doing for the past year if they weren’t dating and the other responded cooly that they were just meeting each other’s needs. And when Myungsoo tried to call him out for sleeping with two people at once the other actually laughed at him. Apparently she was a good girl, she had values and morals unlike Myungsoo. She was saving herself and he respected her for that.

 

It went without saying that he never respected Myungsoo.

 

And that was the last straw for Myungsoo, because what the hell could he possibly say to defend himself? He had given all of himself to the brunette, his body and his heart. Even if it was physical in the beginning, it had turned into so much more; well, at least for Myungsoo. And he absolutely hated him, because the boy treated him like a lover, said and did things on purpose to make him fall for him. Myungsoo knew he was pathetic concerning the elder, but he didn't realize that it was to this extent. He couldn't believe that they had spent so much time together, and yet it felt like he didn't know the other boy at all. He just couldn't comprehend why the boy made Myungsoo fall in love with him.

 

The other laughed again, harsh and bitter sounding like nothing Myungsoo had ever heard before. He told him that he had never made Myungsoo any promises, had never asked him to be his boyfriend, had never pretended to want a serious relationship, and he had never even said he loved Myungsoo. He claimed it wasn’t his fault that Myungsoo had developed such intense feelings, he never led Myungsoo on and Myungsoo only had himself to blame.

 

He actually told Myungsoo not to take it personally, to accept the relationship for what it was and to move on like he was. He said that Myungsoo was fun while he lasted, but it was time for him to grow up. He was a college graduate about to join the work force, he had found himself a good girl to settle down with, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy Myungsoo.

 

He winked at Myungsoo when he said the last sentence, letting him know exactly what he meant by enjoy and he got a slap to his face for his trouble. Myungsoo kicked him out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him, and collapsing to the floor.

 

He held his head in his hands, the world feeling like it was tumbling down around him. Because as much as he hated to admit it, some of what the other had said was true. He had never made him any promises, Myungsoo had just blindly let himself fall in love, clinging to small actions and semi-decent words to make himself believe their relationship was growing. The boy had practically admitted to using him as object, a means to an end that he couldn’t get from the person he really wanted. Myungsoo was practically his personal little sex toy, inviting him in and starving for his attention no matter how little affection the boy had actually shown him. 

 

He hated this, he hated himself, and he didn’t want to do this anymore. What was the point in opening up his heart? What was the point in getting attached if people always left him? Maybe his life had been solitary before with no friends and no romance, but at least it didn’t feel like this. He hadn't ever hurt like this before, he never used to cry and he never felt worthless. But now he felt like a broken toy that was amusing in the beginning, but sadly his appeal had faded with time. 

 

He wouldn’t let himself get played again; he refused to let himself fall for someone who would so casually toss him to the side. He wouldn't open up his heart to potentially be damaged by another. In fact, he wouldn’t let himself fall in love at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is told in two parts, and this is the end of the first section focusing on the five different senses.  
> the plot will directly continue in the sequel, the sixth sense :)


End file.
